I’ve been away, in England and Scotland, for an annual visit. I’ve been to Brighton where you think that any two men seen together are gay ( probably they are ). The town is full of red faced street drinkers and seagulls. It deserves it’s reputation for supporting an alternative lifestyle and is full of characters.
I’ve been to Portsmouth where every other shop is a take-away. It’s one of the most densely populated cities in the South with more people, take-aways and tattoo parlours per square mile than any other city I’ve ever known.
I’ve been to Surbiton where the Travelodge runs a hotel with no staff. It’s totally automated and allowed me, for a very reasonable £19, to spend a comfortable night. TV, kettle, even a bath included. WiFi was 8 pence a minute for the unsuspecting inmate but free in the pub next door.
I’ve been to Northampton where you can buy a 3 bedroomed house for under a hundred grand. 1 hour from London, about the same to Birmingham and less to Milton Keynes. With all those easy commutes why don’t people move out of London and buy a house in Northampton. Something dark must be happening there!
I’ve been to Wakefield where you can visit the new Barbara Hepworth museum and the Yorkshire Sculpture Park. Wakefield is the Portsmouth of the North. Barbara had the right idea, she moved away to London and then Cornwall.
I’ve been to Edinburgh where the clouds come down to the ground. This weather happens often and they have a special word for it. It’s still a great place to see though, with its castle and parks and squares. There’s a nice view from the adjacent hill too, at least if the sun shines.
And now to the belt. I’ve been criticised for my belt before. It’s old and has lost it’s gloss. The worn notches on it show the expanding and contracting of my waistline over the years ( no, I’m not fatter than before ) but it still holds up my trousers. But you know when it’s finally time to get a new one. The security man at Heathrow stopped me at the scanning machines and held it up for closer inspection. I thought for a moment that it was now illegal to wear belts on aeroplanes but no, he just wanted to say how old and worn it was. I felt like saying “it’s a bit like you then” but stopped myself in the nick of time. After all, with the current state of the security laws, he could have me rendered to Guantanamo Bay for a spot to water boarding for a remark like that. Instead I smiled weakly and headed for the duty free.
